Dune Buggy Debutantes
“Oh. My. God!” Regina screamed from the bathroom. “There is a goddamn FOREARM in the bathtub! Ohmygodohmygod...!”
She ran sobbing into Veronica’s room, leaving bloody footprints all down the hallway. She threw herself down on the bed, hysterical. Glinda reached out one wooden arm, as if to console her, then changed her mind and dropped her head back into her hands with a hollow clunk.
“Don’t you think I know that?” Veronica asked with a snooty lilt. She sat, hunched over and cradling something, with her back to her friends. “It is my arm, after all.”
“Wait...what?” Regina asked, looking up from a now mascara stained pillow. “What did you do now, Veronica?
“This!” She yelled, spinning around dramatically and almost losing her balance. Her right arm, from the elbow down, was a writhing mass of slick, black-and-red cords. The twisting monstrosity seemed to flow like water, terminating in a vicious, black-clawed hand. “The Arm Of Amnorak! What do you think?”
“Your delivery was a bit....wooden,” Glinda said, her hinged mouth flapping up and down, before burying her face back into her exquisitely carved hands and letting out a sob.
“Enough with the wood puns!” Regina shouted at her.
“I can’t help it,” Glinda moaned. “My soul is trapped in a goddamn ventriloquist dummy. All things considered, I think I’m handling things quite well.....Knot!”
Both girls started up a fresh round of sobbing. Veronica ignored them and admired her new demonic arm instead.
“I had those two gay warlocks from the football team make it for me,” she said. She turned her arm over and, pretending Lenore’s head was inside, clenched her fist. “With this arm I’ll finally be able to beat that bitch at her own game. She may have figured out a way to beat that robot Daddy sent after her, but there is no way she’s going to weasel away from me now.”
“Hold on,” Regina said slowly. “Mitch and Darren are gay? No way! They totally took the Bradley sisters to the prom.”
“And left with each other,” Glinda pointed out. “Rumor has it there was a little rooting around going on in the back of that limo, if you know what I mean.”
“Will you two shut up?” Veronica hissed.
“Oh my God, Veronica,” Regina shouted. “Have you looked at yourself lately? You cut off your own arm and replaced it with a demon! And what was it before this? Lenore hired some mystical ninja to break your robot buddy, so you end up unleashing a car full of evil clowns on the town, and so she ends up sacrificing that fat friend of hers so she can beat the clowns and then you....”
“And why is my soul trapped in a dummy again?” Glinda ask, scratching at her side.
Veronica rested her chin into The Arm Of Amnorak and considered for a moment. “You know, I can’t remember why we did that.”
“When is this going to end?” Regina asked. “When both of you and all of us are dead?”
“It ends when I win the Sandblaster 5000,” Veronica said. “It ends when that bitch eats my dust and watches me go home with that trophy.”
Regina and Glinda stared at each other for a moment in disbelief. Glinda hopped down from the vanity table and walked over to her demon-armed friend.
“Dude,” she said slowly. “The Sandblaster was last week. Some hipster chick from Duluth won. It was all over the papers.”
“What?” Veronica gasped, feeling faint. “Did Lenore race?”
“No,” Regina said mildly. “She was a no-show. You should have been there, it was an awesome race.”
“Oh,” Veronica said, sinking down onto her couch. “It’s over? Wow. Really wish I’d know that before I sawed off my arm. Wow.”
“So, what now?” Regina asked.
“I don’t know,” Veronica said, still stunned. “Have you guys applied to any colleges? I was thinking about Burlington.”
“You guys!” Glinda yelled, furiously scratching at wooden body. “I think I have termites. This could finish me!”
Veronica and Regina got quite the chuckle out of that one.